The Glad-Spot 2.0: Holiday Special!!

    Well, here we are everyone… That part of the year where all your favorite television shows take a break from the great regular programming to give a wonderfully sub-par Christmas Episode.  And to not be outdone by the holy-T.V. here is my sub-par G-Spot! Where I get to reflect on what I really wish the world would be like during the Holidays. You have to love living in a world where a show gets picked up for 21 great episodes, and a Christmas one.
    You know what I’m talking about! We get to enjoy the episode of ‘Saved by the Bell’ where Zack Morris a Co. come together to help out his new homeless girlfriend. To be honest, I prefer July when the Bayside clique don’t care about the less fortunate at all. I love the television world where all morals are gone and the dark-side of the world is ignored. I don’t want Screech and A.C. Slater to make me feel… Feelings. That’s just to much. If I wanted to have this kind of guilt I’d watch ER or Law and Order.
    What seems to bother me more then that, though, is that these wonderful Christmas movies fail to elaborate on what I believe is the most important aspect of their films. Perfect example: Frosty the Snowman. This is a wonderful tale of a group of Kids who build a snowman who comes to life. He then show’s them the time of their lives. What really gets me is the end, All the snow is beginning to melt and they just let him die! I’m going to be honest people, that’s messed up! If my friends and I had made a man of snow and he came to life. A) I’d freak out and probably die from shock. But B) When the sun comes to boil my buddy down to puddle of water I may, I don’t know, TRY TO SAVE HIM!!!
    Seriously not a single one of them tried to empty out there parents freezer to stick there good buddy in. I know I would. My Dad would have come home and been like, “Hey, Idiot! Why is all the frozen meat and ice cream bars laid out on the floor?”
    “Well, Padre, take a gander in the freezer.”
    As he opens the freezer his eyes would bulge out as my claustrophobic, yet still living, friend will say, “Your Boy saved my life! He’s a hero!” To which my Dad would probably go into shock and pass out.
    If one day you see me hanging out with a group of people who look roughly like adult-versions of the Frosty Crew… Tell me. I want to avoid the selfish pricks. I personally want to surround myself with people who may try to save me before I just die right in front of them. Even the Wicked-Witch had some flying Monkeys who had her back.
    What bothers me even more is that they don’t make the sequels to the great Holiday Movie Classics I’d like to see. Did you know they made a sequel to ‘A Christmas Story’? It was called ‘My Summer Story’ and we can’t assume it was good because I haven’t even seen it and I lack what you call a “Social Life”. With a life as pathetic as mine you’d think I had watched it at least once. Of course the biggest problem they had was replacing the WHOLE cast except the Teacher! And why do they always get the one or two characters you don’t actually care about to return.
    The problem they run into is that they didn’t do it right. Here is the perfect sequel I’d want to see. Middle-aged Ralphie, now played by Billy-Bob Thornton, is a local small-time crack dealer. After his Dad burns down half the house and is sent to a retirement home Ralphie and his Brother, played by  David Caruso, decide to grow Meth in their bathtub. All sorts of fun X-mas (and sometimes XXX-mas) shenanigans take place! Of course that bully, who later turned to a homosexual crack-head, can be the comic relief as he constantly tries to work of his debt to Ralphie through un-wanted sexual favors (similar to the Hamburger-guy in ‘Don‘t be a Menace in South Central…).
    Of course they never make movie sequels that great. But what a world it would be if they did. From time to time they do make wonderful Christmas editions of Movies. Perfect example, ‘Christmas Vacation’. But in reality I think they get to caught up in the uplifting moral B.S. And what they don’t realize it does is just cause everyone else’s Holiday season to be pathetic in comparison. We all develop this hope that our season may end up as great as those on Holidays T.V. and Movie specials. Somewhere there could be a girl hoping Zack Morris and his pompous friends are on there way to do what they can to make her homeless-holidays better then it is… But luckily she won’t be disappointed because she is homeless and didn’t get to see that episode. But imagine the heartbreak she would feel is she had! Thanks Zack, you ruined what joy she did have left!
    And the timing of Christmas is horrible. My new favorite tradition of getting drunk then pushing through the mall has lost part of its appeal. Since it’s the middle of December all the girls are wearing so many layers I cant spend half the time staring at the ass’. And we all know the reason I go to the mall is to look at ass’. Although, I will be honest, Mall-shopping is was better with a few blood-Mary’s, a Couple shots, and a 6-pack. Next year I may just get the booze and drink them as I do my shopping on-line so I can take random ‘adult-entertainment’ breaks. They get so huffy when I try to watch porn in the middle of the mall.
    Well, Ladies and Gentlemen. This about wraps up my sub-par Christmas Edition of The G-spot.  Next week we will return to the regularly scheduled installment of “How Pathetic is his Life’! I will make sure we’ll get back to the important aspect of putting myself down for your entertainment. Hopefully I will get some self-esteem shattering gifts to share with you. And Hopefully you get the same! Until next time, if anyone says you cant find the G-spot tell them, “Yes, I can. It’s thegladspot.blogspot.com!”

Thanks to Mark for helping me realize some of this through a wonderfully