A new year. A new decade. A new G-spot. Well, the same one… Just different angle! Hope it feels as good, actually I don’t. It feels the same to me. I’m excited for 2011. Hopefully since it’s the year ‘11, that’s how many chicks I do! That’d be sweet. Every forth girl comes with a new venereal disease! Yay! Its like the toy in a Happy Meal! On second thought, that may not be the best idea.
The idea of being a ladies man sounds fun, but it seems to have its major disadvantages too. Besides the whole crotch-rot issue. I have enough of a hard time dealing with a single girl in a casual relationship. I couldn’t imagine what the guys who date multiple girls must go through. The emotional distress and manipulation I receive in casual dating is enough, I cant handle it from multiple sources! My head and balls hurt just thinking about it.
Women are hard to understand. They try to say guys are to, but I don’t believe that. We only want three things: Food, sex, and entertainment. All of which can be put together into one thing! A blowjob while eating a sandwich and watching Star Wars (or Lord of the Rings, depending on what kind of nerd you are). And the whole ‘entertainment’ factor can be just about anything. Lately I have been obsessed with a bouncy ball… a freakin BOUNCY BALL!!! What am I? 7? Seriously, though, I don’t know if I have ever had this much fun with anything in my life. Well, except boobs. But even those have such a horrible drawback… its called a mouth! I’m trying to play with fun-bags and it sound like Charlie Browns teacher yappin away! “Shut up and let me jiggle them! Jeez!”
I think about the idea of dating multiple girls and the idea of it is… Awesome! I’m the type of guy who doesn’t have a set “type”. Big, tall, short, small. Blonde, brunette, crew cut, I don’t care. Curvy, not. I love ‘em all. With that in mind the thought of spending a nice day at the zoo with a tall, skinny blonde followed by a nice Italian dinner is cool. Especially if the next day to go to a museum with a curvy brunette with a killer attitude with Mexican food after! But the reality is A) Your going to spend at least $300 and I’m cheap! And B) They are going to be nagging you both days. And with one girl nagging you’ll only hear that shit once, if your lucky. But With 2 you will hear all that crap 2-6 times depending on how dumb you are. And we all know how dumb I am. I just cant handle that much abuse!
In case you haven’t noticed, I’m single. Like, HELLA SINGLE, Yo’s. And with that comes an amazing freedom. What kind of freedom, you ask it your most stupid sounding voice? I, as a single Man, have the choice to go drinking with the boys. And If I don’t want to even come home the next day, I DON’T HAVE TO! Say, for example, I wake up at 11:30 on my day off and want to start beer-bonging beers… I can! And the only thing I have to deal with is my room-mate saying, “Well, at least it wasn’t 9:30. Please… Don’t pee in my room again!” That’s freedom, Bitches. Oh, and I can say bitches. When I was “locked-down” that was a no-no word. Bitches…
I guess that’s the decision I have to make. Do I date girls slowly whittling away the options down till I find that “keeper” that will end up cheating on me 4 years later with her Ex or do I enjoy the rest of my Life? I don’t know. It is so tough. I see my options in the face of all older Men. Those guys, Married 20 years, who look so happy when they’re with their spouses and as soon as she leaves the room he looks tired and worn out. Or I look at those guys who have almost have always been single who when you see them alone look happy and relaxed, not a care in the world. But when they think nobody is looking end up just looking sad and lonely. By the way, both these guys are only 45, but one looks 32 and the other looks 60. Can you guess which is which? I cant make this decision. Maybe we should vote. E-mail me your vote and I’ll announce the winner next week, thegladspot@gmail.com. Get your votes in!
Welcome to the G-spot. Stay as long as you like... Just leave a $20 on the night-stand when your done.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Monday, December 27, 2010
The Glad-Spot 3.0
Welcome once again to your favorite place… The G-Spot! I, The G-Spot Master, is here to guide you to the correct position! Now sit back, spread ‘em and Enjoy! I was lucky enough to get a text message this morning, at the lovely hour of 7:14 a.m., telling Me, “Joe! I had a dream you won the lottery. I’m thinking it’s a sign. Prepare to be a millionaire!” And let me say, I got excited.
What really makes me think is, Don’t people usually dream that they will win the lottery? I mean, that’s just Me. I guess I’m the strange one. But it really makes me feel good. I have been called conceited, egotistical, and self-centered at least once each. But now there has to be some truth behind it. It seems the idea of me having a million dollars is so exciting other people dream of it!
After all that soaked In I started thinking, ‘what would I do if I won?’ I’ve always thought it would be so fun to have that kind of money. And like all lottery winners I’d blow it too. But I think I’d have more fun! I’m willing to bet I would go down in history as having spent a million dollars the funniest. I know from the get go I’d do it different. From the moment I get to the bank and ask for it in cash, I know that would be unusual. Don’t worry, I would probably just go into the bathroom, lock it, then throw the money around and dance in it for a good 15-20 minutes. After that I would clean it up and then go deposit it again. What’s the point of having that much if you don’t get the chance to dance in it?
After I deposit it I’d go to the nearest McDonalds. ‘Dude! You have a million bucks why are you going to McDonalds?’ Is what your probably thinking. Good point. I’d only go there to scream, “Egg McMuffins with Sausage for EVERYONE!!!” And run out giggling, only to turn around and go back in to actually buy them. Have you ever had a guy buy everyone, including you, a breakfast sandwich randomly? Me neither, so why not?
Next I would go to the next high-end car lot. Now your thinking, a million air 45 minutes and he’s yupped out to the max, huh? Nay, I say! I’d buy one BMW, one Mercedes, and one Audi. Then I’d get my two best friends (both of which will never read this because they’re illiterate) and we would do a off-road derby. That’s right, I want them destroyed within an hour! So far I’m doing a good job. I know I’d be giggling.
Now I’m guessing its 1 in the afternoon of my first day of being a millionaire and there is only one place to go to… The Strip Club. Now if there is anything you don’t know about me, yet should, I don’t like Strip Club’s. I have my own reasons, I wont get into it. But I’d go there. And I’d be the most popular guy, with is eyes closed. I would blindly sit back and throw 5’s and tens at the “dancers”. I would have to get large drinks with straws to keep in my mouth. As soon as I hear the air sucking through I want the girl with the biggest boobers I can’t see to swap out my drink, If I’m lucky she’ll roofie me!
After I cop a good buzz I’d probably go to the local movie store. “Movie Store? Why?” Tee hee, here’s why… So I can buy every crappy movie I don’t want to watch and burn them in the parking lot. I would then stand down-wind and breath in the fumes. The movies never entertained me, might as well see if they would get me high. And if they don’t… I’ll probably just pee out the flames. Although if they don’t, I’ll be sorely disappointed. After which to make up for the disappointment I’d hire a few “escorts” to escort me to the Zoo.
Of course, like anyone with ‘new money’, My next logical stop is the mall. I love the Mall, well, I love it as much as you can love anything you hate with a passion. But the crowds and smells can easily be ignored if your blinded by mad-money! First stop: Food court! I would bring a 5gallon bucket and go from place to place dumping whatever sounds best into the bucket. After I fill it ¾ full I’d put the lid on and shake it! Then I’d dive in with my fists. If it’s the best thing from each restaurant then they must taste great together! Right?
After I puke my ass off I would then go to Victoria’s Secret and sit back and offer to buy everything a girls looking at if she lets me help her put it on. Why, you may ask… Well, just because I’m rich doesn’t mean I’m not a damned pervert! I’m still the sick-o I have always been! After I get a couple takers and grab some new undies for me I’d move on… To the Jewelry store! A would buy 8 FAT rings, one for each finger. Then I’d buy two Rolex’s, one for each wrist. Only so I’m sure to get mugged.
I forgot one thing… Before I’d hire two Guerilla’s to follow me around. I’m not talking about Apes, people. I want two giant, smelling, third-world mother fuckers to follow me. Once I get mugged I want them to in-turn mug the mugger! Just so they know how it feels! After that I will pee on them and move on… To Best Buy!
After that I would buy two HD camera’s and two HD TV’s so I can have the most intense and expensive staring contest. I would be able to sit in one room an stare into a camera as my buddy sits in the next room looking in the other Camera. Luckily the TV’s will be SO big that we can tell when one closes his eyes because the light in the whole room will change. After that I will destroy the TV’s, only because I can.
I would also hire all my friends and give them jobs fitting to their skill-set. EXAMPLE: I have a friend who is an electrician, a friend who is a feisty-firecracker, and a friend who makes music. Therefore I’d walk around with a light show that puts Pink Floyd to shame with heavy electronic music blasting while my friend beats the hell out of people. It’d be like my own private WWE! Man, that’s be sweet!
And I’m not going to lie. After that I’d probably be pretty tired So I’d go buy 8 sleep number beds and pile them up to sleep on. Oh, I’d set them all to 7! After that nice rest I would wake up to do what Is the most important thing yet. I’d buy two business’. A bar, named The Glad Spot and a Strip Club called The G-Spot! And the only reason I’d own the Strip Club is so I have a never ending supply of one dollar bills. What can I say, I love vending machines!
Since at this point, after the business’ and beds, I’d probably be running low on cash. So I’d fill my low-income apartment with Tang and TV dinners. And spend my days playing Sega-Genesis on my 1997 32” TV. I would make sure to have the random call girl come to keep me company, “Just tell me a story!”
I feel with the memories of that one wonderful day and the income from my two shady-business’ I’d be able to live a completely average life, knowing I’m the only guy who bought a Tiger and a Lion only to see who would win in a fight! The eat the winner! But forever after when people ask what the most amazing point in my life was, I can easily say, “I don’t remember!” By the way, there is a down side to breathing in the fumes of a fire made of crappy movies. If I got to do it again I’d probably pick good ones!
What really makes me think is, Don’t people usually dream that they will win the lottery? I mean, that’s just Me. I guess I’m the strange one. But it really makes me feel good. I have been called conceited, egotistical, and self-centered at least once each. But now there has to be some truth behind it. It seems the idea of me having a million dollars is so exciting other people dream of it!
After all that soaked In I started thinking, ‘what would I do if I won?’ I’ve always thought it would be so fun to have that kind of money. And like all lottery winners I’d blow it too. But I think I’d have more fun! I’m willing to bet I would go down in history as having spent a million dollars the funniest. I know from the get go I’d do it different. From the moment I get to the bank and ask for it in cash, I know that would be unusual. Don’t worry, I would probably just go into the bathroom, lock it, then throw the money around and dance in it for a good 15-20 minutes. After that I would clean it up and then go deposit it again. What’s the point of having that much if you don’t get the chance to dance in it?
After I deposit it I’d go to the nearest McDonalds. ‘Dude! You have a million bucks why are you going to McDonalds?’ Is what your probably thinking. Good point. I’d only go there to scream, “Egg McMuffins with Sausage for EVERYONE!!!” And run out giggling, only to turn around and go back in to actually buy them. Have you ever had a guy buy everyone, including you, a breakfast sandwich randomly? Me neither, so why not?
Next I would go to the next high-end car lot. Now your thinking, a million air 45 minutes and he’s yupped out to the max, huh? Nay, I say! I’d buy one BMW, one Mercedes, and one Audi. Then I’d get my two best friends (both of which will never read this because they’re illiterate) and we would do a off-road derby. That’s right, I want them destroyed within an hour! So far I’m doing a good job. I know I’d be giggling.
Now I’m guessing its 1 in the afternoon of my first day of being a millionaire and there is only one place to go to… The Strip Club. Now if there is anything you don’t know about me, yet should, I don’t like Strip Club’s. I have my own reasons, I wont get into it. But I’d go there. And I’d be the most popular guy, with is eyes closed. I would blindly sit back and throw 5’s and tens at the “dancers”. I would have to get large drinks with straws to keep in my mouth. As soon as I hear the air sucking through I want the girl with the biggest boobers I can’t see to swap out my drink, If I’m lucky she’ll roofie me!
After I cop a good buzz I’d probably go to the local movie store. “Movie Store? Why?” Tee hee, here’s why… So I can buy every crappy movie I don’t want to watch and burn them in the parking lot. I would then stand down-wind and breath in the fumes. The movies never entertained me, might as well see if they would get me high. And if they don’t… I’ll probably just pee out the flames. Although if they don’t, I’ll be sorely disappointed. After which to make up for the disappointment I’d hire a few “escorts” to escort me to the Zoo.
Of course, like anyone with ‘new money’, My next logical stop is the mall. I love the Mall, well, I love it as much as you can love anything you hate with a passion. But the crowds and smells can easily be ignored if your blinded by mad-money! First stop: Food court! I would bring a 5gallon bucket and go from place to place dumping whatever sounds best into the bucket. After I fill it ¾ full I’d put the lid on and shake it! Then I’d dive in with my fists. If it’s the best thing from each restaurant then they must taste great together! Right?
After I puke my ass off I would then go to Victoria’s Secret and sit back and offer to buy everything a girls looking at if she lets me help her put it on. Why, you may ask… Well, just because I’m rich doesn’t mean I’m not a damned pervert! I’m still the sick-o I have always been! After I get a couple takers and grab some new undies for me I’d move on… To the Jewelry store! A would buy 8 FAT rings, one for each finger. Then I’d buy two Rolex’s, one for each wrist. Only so I’m sure to get mugged.
I forgot one thing… Before I’d hire two Guerilla’s to follow me around. I’m not talking about Apes, people. I want two giant, smelling, third-world mother fuckers to follow me. Once I get mugged I want them to in-turn mug the mugger! Just so they know how it feels! After that I will pee on them and move on… To Best Buy!
After that I would buy two HD camera’s and two HD TV’s so I can have the most intense and expensive staring contest. I would be able to sit in one room an stare into a camera as my buddy sits in the next room looking in the other Camera. Luckily the TV’s will be SO big that we can tell when one closes his eyes because the light in the whole room will change. After that I will destroy the TV’s, only because I can.
I would also hire all my friends and give them jobs fitting to their skill-set. EXAMPLE: I have a friend who is an electrician, a friend who is a feisty-firecracker, and a friend who makes music. Therefore I’d walk around with a light show that puts Pink Floyd to shame with heavy electronic music blasting while my friend beats the hell out of people. It’d be like my own private WWE! Man, that’s be sweet!
And I’m not going to lie. After that I’d probably be pretty tired So I’d go buy 8 sleep number beds and pile them up to sleep on. Oh, I’d set them all to 7! After that nice rest I would wake up to do what Is the most important thing yet. I’d buy two business’. A bar, named The Glad Spot and a Strip Club called The G-Spot! And the only reason I’d own the Strip Club is so I have a never ending supply of one dollar bills. What can I say, I love vending machines!
Since at this point, after the business’ and beds, I’d probably be running low on cash. So I’d fill my low-income apartment with Tang and TV dinners. And spend my days playing Sega-Genesis on my 1997 32” TV. I would make sure to have the random call girl come to keep me company, “Just tell me a story!”
I feel with the memories of that one wonderful day and the income from my two shady-business’ I’d be able to live a completely average life, knowing I’m the only guy who bought a Tiger and a Lion only to see who would win in a fight! The eat the winner! But forever after when people ask what the most amazing point in my life was, I can easily say, “I don’t remember!” By the way, there is a down side to breathing in the fumes of a fire made of crappy movies. If I got to do it again I’d probably pick good ones!
Monday, December 20, 2010
The Glad-Spot 2.0: Holiday Special!!
Well, here we are everyone… That part of the year where all your favorite television shows take a break from the great regular programming to give a wonderfully sub-par Christmas Episode. And to not be outdone by the holy-T.V. here is my sub-par G-Spot! Where I get to reflect on what I really wish the world would be like during the Holidays. You have to love living in a world where a show gets picked up for 21 great episodes, and a Christmas one.
You know what I’m talking about! We get to enjoy the episode of ‘Saved by the Bell’ where Zack Morris a Co. come together to help out his new homeless girlfriend. To be honest, I prefer July when the Bayside clique don’t care about the less fortunate at all. I love the television world where all morals are gone and the dark-side of the world is ignored. I don’t want Screech and A.C. Slater to make me feel… Feelings. That’s just to much. If I wanted to have this kind of guilt I’d watch ER or Law and Order.
What seems to bother me more then that, though, is that these wonderful Christmas movies fail to elaborate on what I believe is the most important aspect of their films. Perfect example: Frosty the Snowman. This is a wonderful tale of a group of Kids who build a snowman who comes to life. He then show’s them the time of their lives. What really gets me is the end, All the snow is beginning to melt and they just let him die! I’m going to be honest people, that’s messed up! If my friends and I had made a man of snow and he came to life. A) I’d freak out and probably die from shock. But B) When the sun comes to boil my buddy down to puddle of water I may, I don’t know, TRY TO SAVE HIM!!!
Seriously not a single one of them tried to empty out there parents freezer to stick there good buddy in. I know I would. My Dad would have come home and been like, “Hey, Idiot! Why is all the frozen meat and ice cream bars laid out on the floor?”
“Well, Padre, take a gander in the freezer.”
As he opens the freezer his eyes would bulge out as my claustrophobic, yet still living, friend will say, “Your Boy saved my life! He’s a hero!” To which my Dad would probably go into shock and pass out.
If one day you see me hanging out with a group of people who look roughly like adult-versions of the Frosty Crew… Tell me. I want to avoid the selfish pricks. I personally want to surround myself with people who may try to save me before I just die right in front of them. Even the Wicked-Witch had some flying Monkeys who had her back.
What bothers me even more is that they don’t make the sequels to the great Holiday Movie Classics I’d like to see. Did you know they made a sequel to ‘A Christmas Story’? It was called ‘My Summer Story’ and we can’t assume it was good because I haven’t even seen it and I lack what you call a “Social Life”. With a life as pathetic as mine you’d think I had watched it at least once. Of course the biggest problem they had was replacing the WHOLE cast except the Teacher! And why do they always get the one or two characters you don’t actually care about to return.
The problem they run into is that they didn’t do it right. Here is the perfect sequel I’d want to see. Middle-aged Ralphie, now played by Billy-Bob Thornton, is a local small-time crack dealer. After his Dad burns down half the house and is sent to a retirement home Ralphie and his Brother, played by David Caruso, decide to grow Meth in their bathtub. All sorts of fun X-mas (and sometimes XXX-mas) shenanigans take place! Of course that bully, who later turned to a homosexual crack-head, can be the comic relief as he constantly tries to work of his debt to Ralphie through un-wanted sexual favors (similar to the Hamburger-guy in ‘Don‘t be a Menace in South Central…).
Of course they never make movie sequels that great. But what a world it would be if they did. From time to time they do make wonderful Christmas editions of Movies. Perfect example, ‘Christmas Vacation’. But in reality I think they get to caught up in the uplifting moral B.S. And what they don’t realize it does is just cause everyone else’s Holiday season to be pathetic in comparison. We all develop this hope that our season may end up as great as those on Holidays T.V. and Movie specials. Somewhere there could be a girl hoping Zack Morris and his pompous friends are on there way to do what they can to make her homeless-holidays better then it is… But luckily she won’t be disappointed because she is homeless and didn’t get to see that episode. But imagine the heartbreak she would feel is she had! Thanks Zack, you ruined what joy she did have left!
And the timing of Christmas is horrible. My new favorite tradition of getting drunk then pushing through the mall has lost part of its appeal. Since it’s the middle of December all the girls are wearing so many layers I cant spend half the time staring at the ass’. And we all know the reason I go to the mall is to look at ass’. Although, I will be honest, Mall-shopping is was better with a few blood-Mary’s, a Couple shots, and a 6-pack. Next year I may just get the booze and drink them as I do my shopping on-line so I can take random ‘adult-entertainment’ breaks. They get so huffy when I try to watch porn in the middle of the mall.
Well, Ladies and Gentlemen. This about wraps up my sub-par Christmas Edition of The G-spot. Next week we will return to the regularly scheduled installment of “How Pathetic is his Life’! I will make sure we’ll get back to the important aspect of putting myself down for your entertainment. Hopefully I will get some self-esteem shattering gifts to share with you. And Hopefully you get the same! Until next time, if anyone says you cant find the G-spot tell them, “Yes, I can. It’s thegladspot.blogspot.com!”
Thanks to Mark for helping me realize some of this through a wonderfully
You know what I’m talking about! We get to enjoy the episode of ‘Saved by the Bell’ where Zack Morris a Co. come together to help out his new homeless girlfriend. To be honest, I prefer July when the Bayside clique don’t care about the less fortunate at all. I love the television world where all morals are gone and the dark-side of the world is ignored. I don’t want Screech and A.C. Slater to make me feel… Feelings. That’s just to much. If I wanted to have this kind of guilt I’d watch ER or Law and Order.
What seems to bother me more then that, though, is that these wonderful Christmas movies fail to elaborate on what I believe is the most important aspect of their films. Perfect example: Frosty the Snowman. This is a wonderful tale of a group of Kids who build a snowman who comes to life. He then show’s them the time of their lives. What really gets me is the end, All the snow is beginning to melt and they just let him die! I’m going to be honest people, that’s messed up! If my friends and I had made a man of snow and he came to life. A) I’d freak out and probably die from shock. But B) When the sun comes to boil my buddy down to puddle of water I may, I don’t know, TRY TO SAVE HIM!!!
Seriously not a single one of them tried to empty out there parents freezer to stick there good buddy in. I know I would. My Dad would have come home and been like, “Hey, Idiot! Why is all the frozen meat and ice cream bars laid out on the floor?”
“Well, Padre, take a gander in the freezer.”
As he opens the freezer his eyes would bulge out as my claustrophobic, yet still living, friend will say, “Your Boy saved my life! He’s a hero!” To which my Dad would probably go into shock and pass out.
If one day you see me hanging out with a group of people who look roughly like adult-versions of the Frosty Crew… Tell me. I want to avoid the selfish pricks. I personally want to surround myself with people who may try to save me before I just die right in front of them. Even the Wicked-Witch had some flying Monkeys who had her back.
What bothers me even more is that they don’t make the sequels to the great Holiday Movie Classics I’d like to see. Did you know they made a sequel to ‘A Christmas Story’? It was called ‘My Summer Story’ and we can’t assume it was good because I haven’t even seen it and I lack what you call a “Social Life”. With a life as pathetic as mine you’d think I had watched it at least once. Of course the biggest problem they had was replacing the WHOLE cast except the Teacher! And why do they always get the one or two characters you don’t actually care about to return.
The problem they run into is that they didn’t do it right. Here is the perfect sequel I’d want to see. Middle-aged Ralphie, now played by Billy-Bob Thornton, is a local small-time crack dealer. After his Dad burns down half the house and is sent to a retirement home Ralphie and his Brother, played by David Caruso, decide to grow Meth in their bathtub. All sorts of fun X-mas (and sometimes XXX-mas) shenanigans take place! Of course that bully, who later turned to a homosexual crack-head, can be the comic relief as he constantly tries to work of his debt to Ralphie through un-wanted sexual favors (similar to the Hamburger-guy in ‘Don‘t be a Menace in South Central…).
Of course they never make movie sequels that great. But what a world it would be if they did. From time to time they do make wonderful Christmas editions of Movies. Perfect example, ‘Christmas Vacation’. But in reality I think they get to caught up in the uplifting moral B.S. And what they don’t realize it does is just cause everyone else’s Holiday season to be pathetic in comparison. We all develop this hope that our season may end up as great as those on Holidays T.V. and Movie specials. Somewhere there could be a girl hoping Zack Morris and his pompous friends are on there way to do what they can to make her homeless-holidays better then it is… But luckily she won’t be disappointed because she is homeless and didn’t get to see that episode. But imagine the heartbreak she would feel is she had! Thanks Zack, you ruined what joy she did have left!
And the timing of Christmas is horrible. My new favorite tradition of getting drunk then pushing through the mall has lost part of its appeal. Since it’s the middle of December all the girls are wearing so many layers I cant spend half the time staring at the ass’. And we all know the reason I go to the mall is to look at ass’. Although, I will be honest, Mall-shopping is was better with a few blood-Mary’s, a Couple shots, and a 6-pack. Next year I may just get the booze and drink them as I do my shopping on-line so I can take random ‘adult-entertainment’ breaks. They get so huffy when I try to watch porn in the middle of the mall.
Well, Ladies and Gentlemen. This about wraps up my sub-par Christmas Edition of The G-spot. Next week we will return to the regularly scheduled installment of “How Pathetic is his Life’! I will make sure we’ll get back to the important aspect of putting myself down for your entertainment. Hopefully I will get some self-esteem shattering gifts to share with you. And Hopefully you get the same! Until next time, if anyone says you cant find the G-spot tell them, “Yes, I can. It’s thegladspot.blogspot.com!”
Thanks to Mark for helping me realize some of this through a wonderfully
Monday, December 13, 2010
The Glad-Spot 1.0
Welcome to the first installment of The Glad Spot. I am Joe Glad creator and sole contributor to The Glad Spot. We’re just going to go ahead and refer to it as The G-spot for short. Also for the reason that women have claimed that I couldn’t find one with a map and current sonar technologies… So I’m just going to make my own! Take that, Ladies!
Some may wonder, What is the point of this G-spot? I am glad you asked (get it, Glad?). I have been told that my perspective on everyday life is more entertaining then most. And perhaps by jotting down my views and observations I may bring something special to your hearts or pants. I prefer pants but beggars cant be choosers.
In case it hasn’t already been brought to your attention I have what I like to call ‘self-deprecating’ humor. Through time people have tried to make fun of me and put me down. One thing I have realized is that I am far better at making fun of myself then anyone can be! Some self-jabs are true, some not. It is for me and my unlucky ex-girlfriends to decipher the difference. And if you are one of those select few… Please, come back. I didn’t mean to say that. I swear, it was a joke.
Years ago, after the demise of my first real relationship, I decided that I am just one that isn’t meant for a long, happy marriage. I am one of the few that is destined to have 8 short, fun, turbulent bouts with Holy Matrimony. And to be honest, I’m okay with that. I would like to create as many ex-missus-Glads as possible. And if I am lucky I shall also spawn a sequel of myself within a couple. Something about the thought of a mini-Joe just brings a smile to my face and a tingle to my crotch.
The chances of any of my future ex’s allowing me to create an offspring with them is slim to none, I know. I have had to accept this. And that is why I have realized that the inseminating process must take place while she is sleeping. Which works because the chances of me waking her is very small. Its just how I roll. You may ask yourself, “Joe, with your slightly below-average looks and bigger then small stature and your half-sane mind-set, how do you imagine it being so hard to create a Part II?”
Great question, Glad you asked!
First off, I named my children years ago. “What does that have to do with anything?” Well, captain question-asker, here it is: I may have put to much thought into those names. If all my prayers and hopes are to come true my fist child would be a beautiful boy. Who may or may not be born with multiple, how do you say, ‘learning disabilities’. And this young, slow boy will be named… Are your ready… Drum roll, Please… Happy Tobey Glad. Now if you haven’t already gotten it, say it out loud. One more time. That’s right.
Following the birth of Happy, knowing myself, I’ll want another son. But with the world and fate being what it is.. I shall have a girl. And just to spite her for messing with my plans I will name her Joy. Yes, I said Joy. Joy Glad. A brother-sister crew of Happy and Joy. I know for a fact that that boy will have ‘daddy-issues’ and that girl will get legally married and divorced as quick as possible, keeping that unfortunate by-standers last name. Poor, poor guy. I'm sorry, Man.
Following the disappointment that will be my daughter I will force a woman to give birth to my third child and second son, Joe Glad Part II: Attack of the Clones. I will guarantee he will be a boy because I believe wholeheartedly that marvels of future technology will allow me to choose that, soon to be, ignored Childs sex. And if it turns out I cant add a sub-title to my sons name.. Well, I shall leave this country for a better one.
After the Birth of Joe Glad Part II: Attack of the Clones, I must admit, my re-producing days will be over. Not because of a lack of opportunities, but because how do you top those names? I mean, seriously. That’s awesome! Oh, and at that point any woman who gets physically involved with me will probably get fixed out of fear I will knock them up and force them to name our child something awesome like I Wish I was Charles Bronson Glad!
I am aware that you may believe that with this as written documentation it will be borderline impossible for me to get a woman to reproduce with me. Especially since no girl will ever be able to sleep next to me without the fear of waking to my banshee-like Orgasm (Or as I call it, Joe-gasm). But I know that with the power of suggestion, bribery, blackmail, and alcohol it shall happen. Oh, And I mostly will attribute all my future relationships to illiteracy. If she cant read this, she will never know my plan. So do me a favor: If you have a semi-decent, semi-retarded female friend… Don’t read this to her. I will be forever grateful.
The Glad-Spot Epilogue 1.0:
Please understand that this is my first attempt at this. I plan on making weekly installments for your entertainment and pleasure. But like all great things it will get better with input from my friends, readers, fans (ha ha, I know), and creepy-stalkers It will get better. So please join my mailing list by e-mailing me at thegladspot@gmail.com
Some may wonder, What is the point of this G-spot? I am glad you asked (get it, Glad?). I have been told that my perspective on everyday life is more entertaining then most. And perhaps by jotting down my views and observations I may bring something special to your hearts or pants. I prefer pants but beggars cant be choosers.
In case it hasn’t already been brought to your attention I have what I like to call ‘self-deprecating’ humor. Through time people have tried to make fun of me and put me down. One thing I have realized is that I am far better at making fun of myself then anyone can be! Some self-jabs are true, some not. It is for me and my unlucky ex-girlfriends to decipher the difference. And if you are one of those select few… Please, come back. I didn’t mean to say that. I swear, it was a joke.
Years ago, after the demise of my first real relationship, I decided that I am just one that isn’t meant for a long, happy marriage. I am one of the few that is destined to have 8 short, fun, turbulent bouts with Holy Matrimony. And to be honest, I’m okay with that. I would like to create as many ex-missus-Glads as possible. And if I am lucky I shall also spawn a sequel of myself within a couple. Something about the thought of a mini-Joe just brings a smile to my face and a tingle to my crotch.
The chances of any of my future ex’s allowing me to create an offspring with them is slim to none, I know. I have had to accept this. And that is why I have realized that the inseminating process must take place while she is sleeping. Which works because the chances of me waking her is very small. Its just how I roll. You may ask yourself, “Joe, with your slightly below-average looks and bigger then small stature and your half-sane mind-set, how do you imagine it being so hard to create a Part II?”
Great question, Glad you asked!
First off, I named my children years ago. “What does that have to do with anything?” Well, captain question-asker, here it is: I may have put to much thought into those names. If all my prayers and hopes are to come true my fist child would be a beautiful boy. Who may or may not be born with multiple, how do you say, ‘learning disabilities’. And this young, slow boy will be named… Are your ready… Drum roll, Please… Happy Tobey Glad. Now if you haven’t already gotten it, say it out loud. One more time. That’s right.
Following the birth of Happy, knowing myself, I’ll want another son. But with the world and fate being what it is.. I shall have a girl. And just to spite her for messing with my plans I will name her Joy. Yes, I said Joy. Joy Glad. A brother-sister crew of Happy and Joy. I know for a fact that that boy will have ‘daddy-issues’ and that girl will get legally married and divorced as quick as possible, keeping that unfortunate by-standers last name. Poor, poor guy. I'm sorry, Man.
Following the disappointment that will be my daughter I will force a woman to give birth to my third child and second son, Joe Glad Part II: Attack of the Clones. I will guarantee he will be a boy because I believe wholeheartedly that marvels of future technology will allow me to choose that, soon to be, ignored Childs sex. And if it turns out I cant add a sub-title to my sons name.. Well, I shall leave this country for a better one.
After the Birth of Joe Glad Part II: Attack of the Clones, I must admit, my re-producing days will be over. Not because of a lack of opportunities, but because how do you top those names? I mean, seriously. That’s awesome! Oh, and at that point any woman who gets physically involved with me will probably get fixed out of fear I will knock them up and force them to name our child something awesome like I Wish I was Charles Bronson Glad!
I am aware that you may believe that with this as written documentation it will be borderline impossible for me to get a woman to reproduce with me. Especially since no girl will ever be able to sleep next to me without the fear of waking to my banshee-like Orgasm (Or as I call it, Joe-gasm). But I know that with the power of suggestion, bribery, blackmail, and alcohol it shall happen. Oh, And I mostly will attribute all my future relationships to illiteracy. If she cant read this, she will never know my plan. So do me a favor: If you have a semi-decent, semi-retarded female friend… Don’t read this to her. I will be forever grateful.
The Glad-Spot Epilogue 1.0:
Please understand that this is my first attempt at this. I plan on making weekly installments for your entertainment and pleasure. But like all great things it will get better with input from my friends, readers, fans (ha ha, I know), and creepy-stalkers It will get better. So please join my mailing list by e-mailing me at thegladspot@gmail.com
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