The Glad-Spot 3.0

    Welcome once again to your favorite place… The G-Spot! I, The G-Spot Master, is here to guide you to the correct position! Now sit back, spread ‘em and Enjoy! I was lucky enough to get a text message this morning, at the lovely hour of 7:14 a.m., telling Me, “Joe! I had a dream you won the lottery. I’m thinking it’s a sign. Prepare to be a millionaire!” And let me say, I got excited.
    What really makes me think is, Don’t people usually dream that they will win the lottery? I mean, that’s just Me.  I guess I’m the strange one. But it really makes me feel good. I have been called conceited, egotistical, and self-centered at least once each. But now there has to be some truth behind it. It seems the idea of me having a million dollars is so exciting other people dream of it!
    After all that soaked In I started thinking, ‘what would I do if I won?’ I’ve always thought it would be so fun to have that kind of money. And like all lottery winners I’d blow it too. But I think I’d have more fun! I’m willing to bet I would go down in history as having spent a million dollars the funniest. I know from the get go I’d do it different. From the moment I get to the bank and ask for it in cash, I know that would be unusual. Don’t worry, I would probably just go into the bathroom, lock it, then throw the money around and dance in it for a good 15-20 minutes. After that I would clean it up and then go deposit it again. What’s the point of having that much if you don’t get the chance to dance in it?
    After I deposit it I’d go to the nearest McDonalds. ‘Dude! You have a million bucks why are you going to McDonalds?’ Is what your probably thinking. Good point. I’d only go there to scream, “Egg McMuffins with Sausage for EVERYONE!!!” And run out giggling, only to turn around and go back in to actually buy them. Have you ever had a guy buy everyone, including you, a breakfast sandwich randomly? Me neither, so why not?
    Next I would go to the next high-end car lot. Now your thinking, a million air 45 minutes and he’s yupped out to the max, huh? Nay, I say! I’d buy one BMW, one Mercedes, and one Audi. Then I’d get my two best friends (both of which will never read this because they’re illiterate) and we would do a off-road derby. That’s right, I want them destroyed within an hour! So far I’m doing a good job. I know I’d be giggling.
    Now I’m guessing its 1 in the afternoon of my first day of being a millionaire and there is only one place to go to… The Strip Club. Now if there is anything you  don’t know about me, yet should, I don’t like Strip Club’s. I have my own reasons, I wont get into it. But I’d go there. And I’d be the most popular guy, with is eyes closed. I would blindly sit back and throw 5’s and tens at the “dancers”. I would have to get large drinks with straws to keep in my mouth. As soon as I hear the air sucking through I want the girl with the biggest boobers I can’t see to swap out my drink, If I’m lucky she’ll roofie me!
    After I cop a good buzz I’d probably go to the local movie store. “Movie Store? Why?” Tee hee, here’s why… So I can buy every crappy movie I don’t want to watch and burn them in the parking lot. I would then stand down-wind and breath in the fumes. The movies never entertained me, might as well see if they would get me high. And if they don’t… I’ll probably just pee out the flames. Although if they don’t, I’ll be sorely disappointed. After which to make up for the disappointment I’d hire a few “escorts” to escort me to the Zoo.
    Of course, like anyone with ‘new money’, My next logical stop is the mall. I love the Mall, well, I love it as much as you can love anything you hate with a passion. But the crowds and smells can easily be ignored if your blinded by mad-money! First stop: Food court! I would bring a 5gallon bucket and go from place to place dumping whatever sounds best into the bucket. After I fill it ¾ full I’d put the lid on and shake it! Then I’d dive in with my fists. If it’s the best thing from each restaurant then they must taste great together! Right?
    After I puke my ass off I would then go to Victoria’s Secret and sit back and offer to buy everything a girls looking at if she lets me help her put it on. Why, you may ask… Well, just because I’m rich doesn’t mean I’m not a damned pervert! I’m still the sick-o I have always been! After I get a couple takers and grab some new undies for me I’d move on… To the Jewelry store! A would buy 8 FAT rings, one for each finger. Then I’d buy two Rolex’s, one for each wrist. Only so I’m sure to get mugged.
    I forgot one thing… Before I’d hire two Guerilla’s to follow me around. I’m not talking about Apes, people. I want two giant, smelling, third-world mother fuckers to follow me. Once I get mugged I want them to in-turn mug the mugger! Just so they know how it feels! After that I will pee on them and move on… To Best Buy!
    After that I would buy two HD camera’s  and two HD TV’s so I can have the most intense and expensive staring contest. I would be able to sit in one room an stare into a camera as my buddy sits in the next room looking in the other Camera. Luckily the TV’s will be SO big that we can tell when one closes his eyes because the light in the whole room will change. After that I will destroy the TV’s, only because I can.
    I would also hire all my friends and give them jobs fitting to their skill-set. EXAMPLE: I have a friend who is an electrician, a friend who is a feisty-firecracker, and a friend who makes music. Therefore I’d walk around with a light show that puts Pink Floyd to shame with heavy electronic music blasting while my friend beats the hell out of people. It’d be like my own private WWE! Man, that’s be sweet!
     And I’m not going to lie. After that I’d probably be pretty tired So I’d go buy 8 sleep number beds and pile them up to sleep on. Oh, I’d set them all to 7! After that nice rest I would wake up to do what Is the most important thing yet. I’d buy two business’. A bar, named The Glad Spot and a Strip Club called The G-Spot! And the only reason I’d own the Strip Club is so I have a never ending supply of one dollar bills. What can I say, I love vending machines!
    Since at this point, after the business’ and beds, I’d probably be running low on cash. So I’d fill my low-income apartment with Tang and  TV dinners. And spend my days playing Sega-Genesis on my 1997 32” TV. I would make sure to have the random call girl come to keep me company, “Just tell me a story!”
    I feel with the memories of that one wonderful day and the income from my two shady-business’  I’d be able to live a completely average life, knowing I’m the only guy who bought a Tiger and a Lion only to see who would win in a fight! The eat the winner! But forever after when people ask what the most amazing point in my life was, I can easily say, “I don’t remember!” By the way, there is a down side to breathing in the fumes of a fire made of crappy movies. If I got to do it again I’d probably pick good ones!